


Stage Fright

by sciencemyfiction



Category: White Collar
Genre: D/s, Light Bondage, Season 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:36:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sciencemyfiction/pseuds/sciencemyfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's only a few things missing from the gilded cage he's picked out at June's place to make it perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stage Fright

There's only a few things missing from the gilded cage he's picked out at June's place to make it perfect. Of course, that begs the question of whether Neal has some kind of self-destructive wish he's trying to fulfill, because he's not supposed to fuel the fires that block his way out, and he's certainly not supposed to be spending his evenings on the puzzle of how to get those last couple things, how to make this new life irresistible to himself. The old Neal would have probably spent a larger portion of that time quietly freaking out about his own desire to curb himself, but the old Neal had never been to prison, never discovered the quiet desperation that comes with gray walls, day in and day out, for ever and ever with very little interruption. When he walked out the first time, he wants to believe he was still the old Neal, but even that's a lie. So he's panicky and he's ready to stay out at any cost and if that means brainwashing himself a little to like it here, well, that's not impossible. Neal has solved tougher puzzles before. 

He makes an itemized list of what's missing. It's short, but still brutal. 

The con. That's missing and it's something he needs; at least, something he thrives on. Without the con there's boredom, and that way lies trouble eventually. He can't have the real thing, but he's got to have something like it or he knows he'll cut and run, and soon. 

Love. 

Kate is absolutely not coming back. There wasn't any love on the inside; there isn't any here. 

Neal will settle for order. Love used to be his drive, his call, his guidance. Order can be those things. 

Peter is quite good at being Order. 

***

He hadn't anticipated what it's like to be on the FBI side of a raid. It's more like a sting. Sometimes they even send him in to be the face man. He gets to play all the sides, he gets to take them for their money and watch their faces fall when they're caught. (He gets to be threatened, guns in his face, fists in his gut, and his head feels heavy with fear but he holds still, he waits and does as he's told and so far he hasn't gotten shot.) Peter's team is good, sometimes they have him watch other units who are even better (but deal in bloodier currency). 

Neal has latched onto it all before he even realizes what he's doing. And if Jones notices Neal shaking after the first or second time he gets a gun to the face for his trouble, pats his back and promises him some soda to help take the edge off, well. It's no good correcting him. Neal's leg bounces vivaciously as he sits off to the side, taking big gulps of air. Running is the furthest thing from his mind.

***

For some reason Elizabeth invites him to dinner. Neal wants to go; he finds he likes Elizabeth a lot, and maybe sees himself in her, a bit. What Neal wants, however, takes a backseat to what Neal craves, when he brings the proposition back to Peter and Peter tells him, "You are going to stay home and behave tonight, not another word out of you." 

He makes his mouth open, because he wants to talk, but the drive falls away and he stutters ineffectively. He gives Peter what he hopes is a convincing, sardonic _look_. 

He doesn't say anything else on the drive home, and he sits in his studio apartment and sulks and he loves it, and somehow Neal knows he has just locked the door behind himself.


End file.
